Pregnancy Redux, Part 1: Water

Here we go again.

There is a condition of pregnancy called hyperemesis gravidarum, where women sometimes cannot move their eyes without vomiting, they are so dizzy and sick. It’s terrible and dispiriting, even to hear about. I don’t have this, THANK GOD, and strength and cleaning ladies and milkshakes and hugs and pots of gold to those poor souls who do have it, because, what the hell.

I am allowed to move my eyes pretty much all I want, but I do have severe “morning sickness,” —commonly recognized as a laughable misnomer for those of us who barf and or retch just sort of always, sometimes with no warning, for longer than the appointedly normal time — and lots of other crazy symptoms that sometimes feel debilitating.

Perhaps this has happened to you, and you know what I am talking about. Or perhaps this hasn’t happened to you, and let me tell you: you have no (*&*7ng idea.

Perhaps this will happen to you, and you will find this series through trolling the internet one day, desperately seeking answers to life’s great questions, like, will I ever stop drooling on myself? (More on drooling later.)

Last time around I found water —which, let me remind you, is an elemental substance comprising the bulk of our bodies and is necessary to sustain, not to mention generate, life—to be undrinkable. Why? My nose, sensitive to the extreme under normal circumstances, detected hints of metal and poison in the water, and even in the glass itself. And the reason pregnant women get sick during the first trimester, you see, is to protect them and the baby from potentially harmful substances at a time when immunity is low. At one restaurant, I sent back three glasses that smelled too strongly of Windex. Finally I gave up and ordered something that came in a can, and drank through a straw.

But this April, I had a bad sinus infection. At the time it seemed like a crisis, but either the infection or the big dose of antibiotics I was on have (temporarily, I hope) dented my sense of smell enough that I’m far less bothered by odors this time around.

Water does smell a bit like detergent, but it’s nothing I could not drink because of the smell.

That is, if it weren’t so damn slippery feeling, which is what is making me avoid it this time around. It may have to do with the drooling I foreshadowed, which I’ll get into tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I require the hot hard bite of extra cold Coca Cola bubbles in order to survive.