Church Avenue Chomp

This describes my fear of bugs, among my fears of other things.

There were really great drawings commissioned to go along with the text, but the art somehow didn’t make the archives, which is really too bad.

Hope you’re surviving whoever comes to visit!

My mother loves tea. Not the high-falutin’ loose sort that you need to brew for exactly 4 minutes over an öfchen, which is a crazy German tea apparatus with a candle that my husband totes around all winter while he wears his hausschue: instead, my mom likes the sort where you toss a Lipton teabag into a cup and put it into the microwave for 90 seconds.

And then she is happy happy happy, and that is sort of more my speed when it comes to tea.

Why? Well, probably because, when I was a baby, she fed me tea. In a bottle. Milky tea in a bottle, sweetened with sugar, and we called it teababa. I remember her handing one to me whilst I was in my crib.

Don’t be scandalized. Many women (though not my mother) smoked during pregnancy. For all I know, I was a smoker when I was a baby, too. (I can’t be expected to remember everything that happened when I was a baby.)

And who cares if I’m only five feet tall* and that is my mother’s fault because of the teababa? I’m actually taller than my mother; goodness knows what her mother was giving her to stunt growth.

Anyhow now I’m a coffee drinker, though it’s decaf for me these days. Yes, I agree, decaf doesn’t even count, but after pregnancy and early nursing, when I couldn’t have caffeine, I can’t go back lightly, since quitting caffeine requires at least a 4 day stint of weeping and not being able to make it out of my pajamas.

Henry drinks decaf, too. I mean, we don’t want him too, but he is VERY OPINIONATED on the subject of whether or not he can have some of my coffee. And it turns out that he’s sometimes more opinionated than I am, so I am frequently trying to wrestle an iced coffee (decaf) out of his hands, while passersby judge me, or at least I imagine they are judging me. Why must iced-coffee cups be clear! Heh heh heh, he loves his decaf, I try to slip into conversation of people on the street so they don’t think that I am mother to an actual one year old coffee drinker.

I just have a one-year old decaf drinker.

This winter we’ll see whether Henry likes tea, and if so, if he wants it from the öfchen or from the microwave.

*big exaggeration

Me: I had a great day at the beach in Rhode Island yesterday, and some WHOLE BELLY fried clams and a lobster roll. Mmm! Why are scavengers and filter feeders so delicious?

You: Whole belly clams are disgusting. And I wish we could have fewer conversations about scavengers.

Me: I love summer seafood, but this summer it’s been hot like fire, and humid as if if you were a lobster who did not die of natural causes, if you know what I mean. This fact has contributed to a lack of grilled mussels and clams, but I am ready to rectify that.

You: I love mussels, too. But I love them in restaurants! I’m not going to make my own, because I wouldn’t know where to start.

Me: You should try it, because it’s easy and delicious and if you have, say, children, you can just make this after they go to bed for a fast and cheap and easy romantic dinner.

You: Please stop calling me fast and cheap and easy.

Me: I call ’em like I see ’em.

FACTS

Fact: Mussels are very easy to cook. They cook as soon as you apply heat, and they even have built in timers: their shells open when they are done.

Fact: They are naturally delicious, and your job is to help them realize their natural potential. It’s like getting the right frame around a piece of art — except much easier. I should not have mentioned framing art, because that’s difficult and expensive and stressful. This is the opposite of that. It’s more like buttering a piece of bread, and not only because it involves butter, and bread.

Fact: Mussels taste great with a garlicky sauce on them. And their juices help to make a garlicky sauce better, which is why you eat so much bread and so many french fries when you have mussels. And the sauce is so good that some people, like my mom, just like to eat the sauce with bread, and don’t even care about eating the mussels.

Fact: When I say mussels, I mean mussels and clams.

Fact: This requires no fancy equipment, and no weird ingredients (other than mussels). You don’t even need a grill: you can do the whole thing on the stove if you prefer. The grill is just fun and well suited to celebration and spectacle.

LOOSE GUIDELINES

I am going to provide annoyingly loose guidelines instead of an actual recipe, because basically, you can’t screw this up. Just choose which permutations sound good to you.

Use about a half a pound of mussels per person. Clean by rinsing under cold water. If any don’t close when you touch them, throw those away. If any have cracked or broken shells, throw those away, too. Scrub the mussels and pull out any thready or leafy bits along the seams. I usually just do this with my hands, but pliers can help.

Make a broth (stovetop) by cooking onions and garlic or shallots in plenty of butter or a combo of butter and olive oil. Glug about cup of beer or white wine per pound, and make sure it bubbles off the alcohol. Add some tomatoes (canned, fresh, cherry, but slice them small) and an herb (basil, cilantro, or parsley will kick butt, but feel free to experiment with others, like tarragon.) Make sure to squeeze some lemon in there (or with beer and cilantro, lime would be good.) Add more butter, and season with salt, white or black pepper, and if you want, something spicy like crushed red chilis, or a fresh jalapeno or serrano, or a small shake of cayenne.

Taste it. Is it delicious? Do you want to drink it? If so, you’re on the right track. If not, adjust seasonings (or just add more butter.)

If you are using the grill, heat it to high.

Put the broth into a shallow baking pan: a metal 13 x 9 x 2 would be perfect, but anything that isn’t glass will work. (Perhaps I should say: anything that is metal. Avoid obviously flammable pans, like those made out of paper. Or hair.)

Then put the closed mussels or clams in and put over the grill heat. Wait for them to open, and once they have, remove one by one with tongs, and place into a serving bowl. (If necessary, cover the grill but check every minute or so.)

When you’re through, pour it all into a big serving bowl, clatter clatter clatter, including all of the mussel or clam juice. If any don’t open, simply discard those. Enjoy with a well-dressed green salad, french bread, and a sweating bottle of white wine.

IF YOU’RE ALREADY GRILLING . . . .

You know, if you’re already grilling, you may as well put some corn on there too, husked but wrapped in foil. Corn will take about a half an hour, though: longer than the mussels, so start sooner. And perhaps finish with some halved and pitted peaches, coated with butter and sprinkled with brown sugar and yes, you know what’s coming: salt. Eat with ice cream and perhaps a squeeze of lemon.

Mmmmm, summer.

Thanks to viZZZual.com for use of this photo, released under a Creative Commons license.